Pottering About at High Speed

Saw this story today and thought to myself, "What an excellent opportunity to put a picture of Emma Watson on my Blog."

Basically, she's "Done a Wilman"

She's got a 6 month driving ban by speeding while having 9 Points on her licence.

I don't understand how you can get caught speeding FOUR TIMES.

Surely after the first couple of offences you'd be on your best behaviour.

And yet she wasn't the only Harry Potter star who was banned in the same Court on the same day for the same thing - Zoe Wanamaker was done too.

The BBC used the story to talk about the forthcoming HBO TV version of Harry Potter.  Despite it having John Lithgow and Nick Frost in it, I won't be watching.

It doesn't state what vehicle Wanamaker was driving but Watson was in a blue Audi.

No mention of a blue Anglia.

Stalking

Something I have said on more than one occasion is, "If your Audi starts with a Q, then I'm not interested."

But that's because they are stupid cross-over SUVs.

Like the Q3.

Here's the new one:

It just looks like all of the other ordinary, bog-standard, stupid, cross-over SUVs.

And here is the Auto Express report on it.

Which I normally wouldn't have bothered to read.

Except, their headline involved the phrase, 

New Audi Q3 reinvents the indicator stalk

Another Tesla-type cock-up?

No, this might actually work...

It's basically a thumb-wheel.  It might actually work - and it's different!

And, because it isn't a BMW, it may get used.

You probably have to go into the menus though to find the toggle for tailgating.

Stop Shouting!

I knew that Audi was formed from four German car companies and that one of them was Auto Union so assumed that was why the first two letters of Audi are AU.

My assumption was incorrect and my knowledge was a bit incorrect.

The company name is based on the Latin translation of the surname of the founder, August Horch. Horch, meaning 'listen', becomes audi in Latin. The four rings of the Audi logo each represent one of four car companies that banded together to create Audi's predecessor company, Auto Union.

Thank you Wikipedia.

Audi have now teamed up with SAIC of China to produce a Chinese-only sub brand aimed at "younger, tech-oriented Chinese EV buyers." This sounds a little bit like what Toyota did in The States with Scion - that didn't really work out for them in the end.

Autocar have the Audi story here while Auto Express have an opinion piece on it here.

The Autocar piece has pictures of what looks like an attractive car:

Auto Express opinion pieces tend to be right-wing rants nowadays so maybe it explains why they have only had one response to their question in it, "What do you think Audi should have called its new Chinese sub brand?"

If you have read either of those articles you will now know that it is not to be Audisaic.

But it is to be AUDI.

Not to be confused with Audi - who have sold cars in China for many years now under the name of...

...Audi.

At least the new shouty version will tie in better with the image of your typical Audi driver.

Last Chance Saloon

If your Audi starts with a Q or your Volvo starts with an X then I'm not interested in it.

Today's Hagerty story has been on the cards for a while now - I reported precursors in March 2021 and again that September.

Volvo have stopped selling saloons and estates in the UK.

Maybe that will make my S60 a bit more valuable because if you want a new one now you will have to either...

a) Find a country they are still selling them to - or

b) Join the Police.

They will still sell them to law-enforcement officers - presumably because everyone knows that proper cars handle a damn sight better than bloody SUVs.

When mine was in for its first MOT, there was a Cheshire Police one in there:

Jolly nice.  I wonder if the mechanics get to test drive them.

I've just checked out the Volvo website and nobody's told them about not selling saloons and estates.

Yet - this could be your last chance to get one.

Executive Chargeport Lounges

Audi are looking in to treating their electric car drivers as airline passengers.

Airport Executive lounges are a very acceptable way of spending time while trapped mid-journey.  So why not do something similar when you are waiting for your car to charge up?

The story is here.

It sounds like a good idea - presumably charge a bit more for the electricity but throw in some peanuts and phone charging and newspapers and toilets.  Will they let other drivers use their facilities though?  After all, your average Audi driver won't want to look up from his Financial Times and see a Dacia driver.

I'm sure that the rest of the VW Group brands will want to get some of this action too though.  The Scania one would have to be huge and the Ducati one would have helmet polishing facilities.

Presumably the Bentley one would have butler service and the Lambo one would be the most fun.

They all just need to make sure that they have a snooty person on the entrance to keep out the riff-raff.

Renault Megone

Couple of unusual crime stories from this week.

First an idiot in Northampton buys a Renault Megane, doesn't insure it, gets behind the wheel, nearly crashes into a Police vehicle and gets it impounded:

Fox News have the story here.  Being Fox News, they aren't too good on accuracy.  They say that it was a "new silver Renault Megane" - that is actually a Megane cabriolet of approximately 2005 vintage.

Meanwhile, over in Dewsbury, Yorkshire, an 18 year old was arrested for suspected drink/drug driving after crashing into somebody's front porch, collecting the front door on the way and driving off.

Somehow. 

Lord knows how.

The Police Twitter feed has some great comments added including "That's an Audi not a Porsche". 

There's probably some joke here involving Jehovah's Witnesses or Double-Glazing but I'm not sure what it is.

Maybe he was just unhinged?

Satire Pressure Gauge

I like Newsbiscuit.

It's like The Daily Mash but doesn't have its own TV show.

I once got a ticker headline onto the Newsbiscuit front page.  Today's ticker includes "Priti Patel only here to make up the numbers"

They are being a bit unfair today though with their story BMW Drivers Fury at No-one to Tailgate.

Everyone knows that it is the Audi drivers who tailgate.

Although, to be fair to that one, the car he is behind is driving in the middle of the road.

Us BMW drivers are the ones who never indicate - and that doesn't really matter when there are no other cars on the road.

And they do allude to that at the end of the story.

The only thing I don't like about Newsbiscuit are their adverts - they really do devalue the page and, to add insult to injury, they preface it with "You may also like"...

I quite like the fact that they've screwed up the algorithm in the "Earn £1472 Daily" one. The bit that is meant to con you into thinking that people in your locality are stupid enough to fall for it has been replaced by {city}

 

But generally, people who appreciate good satire shouldn't fall for such ludicrous click-bait.

 

Meanwhile, "Mike Ashley and Tim Martin Confirmed as Essential Wankers"

Traffic News

The Coronavirus Saga continues.

Audi have a logo change:

That is from this Car+Driver story.

 

As opposed to this other Car+Driver story...

 

...which is about traffic.

 

And the effect that Coronavirus and the associated lockdowns are having on it.

 

For instance, average speeds in Los Angeles are 48 percent higher because there's so much less traffic on the roads while up in Seattle,

 

"on the key I-5 corridor, heading north-south into and out of downtown, traffic on March 18 was moving at speeds 100 percent faster than typical during the morning and afternoon commutes."

 

I've noticed a small but significant decrease in traffic on my commute.  On the key M53 corridor, heading north-south into and out of Chester, traffic on March 24 was moving at speeds 1 percent faster than typical during the morning and afternoon commutes.

 

But that's a guess.

 

There is certainly a notable reduction in worldwide pollution levels.

 

Which is nice.

 

The C+D piece also comments on air travel and subway travel.  Apparently,

 

"New York City, which features the nation’s lowest incidence of car ownership and the current highest number of COVID-19 cases, has (as of March 12) seen subway, commuter train, and bus ridership decline massively, with double-digit drops."

 

The two things I take from that are:

1. I feel sorry for New-Yorkers for two reasons in the first sentence.
2. "Ridership" can't be a real word can it?

What do my readership think?

Brand New

Did I miss a story in Autocar last week about a VW Group rebranding exercise?

On October 7th they told us that VW has a new look for it's sporty "R" brand.

On October 14th they told us that Seat could be rebranded as Cupra.

On October 21st I think I must have missed one because...

On October 28th they told us that Skoda may or may not be rebranded as a budget brand.

Checking back, there WAS a rebranding story on the 21st but it was GM rebranding Hummer as an EV brand - a more suitable story for April 1st I'd have thought.

They also had a very interesting slideshow listing what they believe to be the most significant car for every year from 1945 to 2000.  The one for the year of my birth is the Fiat 124.

But I digress.

Traditionally, the VW Group's four main brands have always been:

• Skoda - the cheap one
• Seat - the sporty one
• VW - the mainstream one
• Audi - the posh one

Then you've got the likes of Porsche, Bentley, Lambo and Bugatti as luxury, sporty add-ons.

So they really don't need an R Brand.

Or do they?

Kerb Your Enthusiasm

I've spelled it the English way because it's an English story.

Some silly woman in Southport is surprised that she isn't allowed to mount the kerb and drive across the pavement.

Or, in American English:

Some dumb broad in a town you've never heard of is surprised that she ain't allowed to mount the curb and droive across the sidewalk.

"droive" was a typo that I decided to leave in because it sounds New Yorkish.

Anyway, here she is:

I nearly have sympathy for her because the kerb is so low that you could drive up it without damaging your suspension.

 

But she will still be damaging the pavement.

 

And she is an Audi driver.

 

The Liverpool Echo story is here but I wouldn't bother clicking on it because the advertising on there makes it just about unreadable.

 

All we are missing in this particular non-story is a picture of the local Conservative Councillor stood there pointing at it.

Parking Row

I keep giving Audi free adverts.

Because they are brilliant.

First there was the Spocks one.  But they've taken it off YouTube so to see the vid, you'll have to watch it on someone else's channel.

Then, we recently had the "Are You Being Served?" one.

But now we have the one that they plan to show during the US Presidential debates:

Or, to see it forwards, someone else again has provided this.

It won't be easy to trump that.

Are You Being Serviced?

Loving the Audi Advert I saw this evening:

I don't really understand it but the updated version of the theme tune to "Are You Being Served?" is excellent.

And if you don't agree, I have one word for you:

 

Knickers!

'96 Hybrid Phaeton For Sale

Hang on a Mo'.

All Volkwagen experts, together with those of us who have access to Wikipedia, know that VW didn't start making Phaetons until 2002:

And, they've never produced a hybrid version.

But, of course, I never said it was a Volkswagen - nor did I say 1996.

No, this car coming up for auction is a 1896 Armstrong Phaeton:

 

Fox have the story here.

I had assumed that Phaeton was just another model name (like Escort and Cedric) and Wiki helpfully informs us that "The name Phaeton derives from Phaëton, the son of Phoebus in Greek mythology."  But it also helpfully informs us that "A phaeton is a style of open automobile or carriage without weather protection. It is an automotive development of the fast, lightweight phaeton carriage."

Which sort of explains why Wayne Carini keeps encountering them in "Chasing Classic Cars".

In fact it looks like in the 1920s and 1930s you could get Ford, Packard and Buick Phaetons to name just three of many.  Go back to 1910 and you get this:

 The VW Group have come full circle - that's an Audi Phaeton!

Audi '80s

Interesting story from the Detroit Motor Show in Autoguide today.

It's an Audi concept car called the h-tron:

Looks a bit Volvo to me. But it is an Audi hybrid obviously named after a film from the early '80s:

 

A time when Audi made the Audi 80:

 

A time when people were discovering other computer games as well as those featured in Tron.

Like Tetris for example.  Which brings us back to the Autoguide article.  Apparently the new concept has a couple of sensor/scanners in the boot which analyse your luggage and tell you the best way to pack it.  The article calls it "automated car-tetris".

I actually enjoy working out the best way to pack the boot.  That's why I drive an estate car and have a Degree in Statistics.

The concept also has OLED Audi tablets that allow rear-seat passengers to communicate with the driver. 

Can't help thinking that talking would be a better method of communication - like we did in the '80s.

And the car-tetris has been done before too:

The Vultures Are Circling

Don't you just hate lawyers?

I've just found this full-page advert in my local free paper:

After years of annoying us with awful TV and radio ads (and nuisance phone calls) about the mis-selling of PPI, it looks like they are now trying to get their greedy little paws on VW Group Diesel car owners.

And, they are going about it in a particularly amateurish way.

Apart from the misspelling of mis-selling, they seem to think that Passat is a brand of car within the VW Group.

It also states that "£6.5 Million set aside by motor industry."

Nope.  Not even a real sentence.  To be fair, they did get the 6.5 bit right.

Actually 6.5 Billion Euros has been set aside by the VW Group - that is about £4.75 Billion.

So, if you want to know "What's the implications" - don't bother with this lot.

What a Privilege

This mildly intriguing headline caught my eye on the Telegraph Motoring site:

Beware the silver Honda – the new menace of our time

Wow.  So I read on.  I mean, what could be so menacing about a car favoured by the more elderly driver?

Here's the story.  The gist is that a recent survey has found that British people find the type of car that commits the most offences is a silver Honda.  That is their wording by the way - I know that the drivers commit the offences - not usually the cars.

I suppose that there could just be one very prolific bad driver out there who lives near to where the survey was conducted and who happens to have a silver Honda.

Apparently, Audi drivers – who I would have put top – came top in just two areas: tailgating, and pulling out too slowly from junctions.  Tailgating most definitely and replace the word "slowly" with "quickly" and I'll agree the second point too.

So I decided to try and find out a bit more about the survey, described in the story as being "compiled by Privilege car insurance".

I couldn't find that survey but I did find a link to this Mirror story from July.  This stated that Lincoln and Portsmouth were the worst British cities for road-rage and that "Men aged 69, 79 and 50 are the top three worst offenders while women aged 39 are fourth most likely"  I turn 50 next year and my in-laws live in Manchester which came 10th in the city category so I'll need to be extra careful when visiting them for Christmas 2016.  This is all "according to a study by insurance firm Privilege."

I also found a link to a Huffington Post story from May declaring that "Women Are Better Drivers Than Men, According To A New Survey."  Clearly wrong, but that's beside the point - guess who the survey was by.  If you just guessed Aviva, re-read this post and try again.

I guess it must be cheaper to conduct a quick survey and send it as a story to a media outlet than to do good old-fashioned advertising.

But is it as effective?

Our survey says "NO".

E By Gum

The FIA Formula e championship kicked off this morning in Beijing.

It was on ITV4 so I watched it.  If it hadn't been on a Freeview channel I wouldn't have been that fussed but I'm glad I did - I have high hopes for it.

 

For those of you who don't know about Formula e, read this excellent piece on the subject.

 

Actually, don't.  That was written ages ago before anyone knew what it would evolve into - you'd do better checking out their official website.

 

Formula e is the all-electric alternative to Formula 1 - and based on the first race, could be more exciting than Formula 1.  I was wary that using street circuits as they do and having same-spec cars would mean overtaking was going to be difficult but the fact that they have to control the power in order to conserve battery-charge did lead to some very entertaining overtaking.

 

Swapping cars half-way through the race because the batteries wouldn't last is a bit strange and I'm sure that will die out once battery technology improves.

 

We also have the new innovation of "Fan Boost" (or #FanBoost if you're into Twitter) whereby fans vote for their favourite drivers and the top three vote-receivers get a power boost that they can use once in the race - but more about that shortly.

 

So...let's meet the teams...

 

First the ITV4 team who will be presenting the Season to us - 85.7% of whom I had not heard of before.

 

Firstly, we have Jennie Gow (who doesn't seem to be any relation to BTCC boss Alan Gow) but who does seem to be knowledgeable (and genuinely excited) about motorsport and seemed to ask the right questions.  Jennie is the main presenter based in the studio with race engineer Kyle Wilson-Clarke and F3 Driver Jann Mardenborough.  It was quite refeshing and interesting to have a race engineer in there with a different take on things.  Jann seemed a bit nervous and a bit young:

In fact, he even looks younger than Leonardo diCaprio if that is possible.  I'm sure his confidence will build up as the series goes on.

 

Former F1 mechanic Marc Priestley joined roving reporter Nicki Shields provided trackside insight with Jack Nicholls and Dario Franchitti doing the commentary.  Dario Franchitti being the 14.3% of the team that I was familiar with.

 

Now the actual teams.  There are a few familiar names from motorsport in there: Virgin, Renault, Senna, Prost, Piquet and Andretti to name but six.  Ten teams in total, running cars that look like this: 

• British based Amlin Aguri is led by Japanese ex-Formula 1 driver Suzuki Aguri who also founded F1 team Super Aguri.
• Andretti Autosport is led by Michael Andretti (part of the American Andretti motorsport dynasty).
• Audi Sport ABT is the team behind Audi's DTM cars.
• China Racing - not to be confused with...
• Dragon Racing who are from California.
• E.Dams Renault are sponsored by a Dutch Cheese Manufacturer. (No they aren't)
• Mahindra Racing - from the Indian motoring concern responsible for some Jeep look-a-likes that got imported to the UK.
• Trulli GP led by ex F1 racer Jarno Trulli.
• Venturi Grand Prix a joint effort between Venturi an American car company who have experience in electric vehicles and Leonardo diCaprio (serious electric car advocate) who has experience in looking very young.  He wasn't seen once during the coverage - I hope he was actually there.

• Finally (for alphabetic reasons) we have Virgin Racing - Richard Branson has moved over from F1. 

In terms of drivers, Alain Prost has employed his son Nico:

That is actually a picture of Alain but with their helmets on, the likeness is uncanny.

Amlin Aguri have one of the two female drivers in the series, Katherine Legge who also happens to be a Brit.

Mahindra have the charismatic ex-F1 duo of Karun Chandhok and Bruno Senna.

 

 Jarno Trulli is driving his own car whilst giving his other seat up to Italian Michela Cerruti.

 The other Brit in the series is Sam Bird driving for Virgin.

We also have several other ex-F1 stars (or their sons) in there too.

 

I think the fan boost may be a waste of time though with most people voting for the team with the best PR (Mahindra) or for the ladies (women voting for women and men voting for people they fancy) or for the countries with the biggest populations for for their own (Brazil, USA)

 

As it happened Mahindra's Senna, Brazil's di Grassi & Katherine Legge got the fan boosts.

 

We never got to find out when the boosts were used in the race.  I reckon a better system would be to have the vote during the race to potentially nobble someone or to help someone challenging for the lead.

 

The race itself felt a lot shorter than most motorsport I watch - but that was quite good - all done and dusted within three hours of TV.  Some excitement, some overtaking, some crashes, and, most importantly, a very dramatic finish with Nico Prost, who has led from the start, about to be overtaken by Nick Heidfeld on the last corner so cutting across and taking him out in a spectacular crash and taking himself out in the process allowing di Grassi to take the win.

 

As is traditional in motorsport, both blamed the other.

 

Prost was wrong.

 

So will I be watching the next race on November 22nd?

 

By gum I will.

Why My Car Is Like A Bugatti Veyron

 

See the similarities?  Actually that isn't my car, it's one the same that I found after doing a quick Google Images search.

 

So what could these two cars possibly have in common?

 

Well, they both cost their manufacturers two-and-a-half billion Australian dollars.

 

And if you're wondering why I'm quoting that figure in Australian dollars, it is because the information is sourced from this story in Caradvice.com.au.

 

It lists Europe’s Top 10 Loss-making Vehicles thus:

 

Model                       Years               Estimated Total Loss
Smart Fortwo         1997-2006           $5.0billion

Fiat Stilo                2001-2009           $3.0b

VW Phaeton          2001-2012           $2.9b

Peugeot 1007         2004-2009           $2.8b

Mercedes A-Class 1997-2004           $2.5b

Bugatti Veyron      2005-2013           $2.5b

Jaguar X-Type       2001-2009           $2.5b

Renault Laguna      2006-2012           $2.2b

Audi A2                  2000-2005          $1.9b

Renault Vel Satis    2001-2009          $1.7b

The list is, perhaps surprisingly, topped by the Smart car.  There are a few other quirky cars in there too, the Peugeot 1007 with its sliding doors that nobody wanted and the tiny aluminium A2 that was expensive to build.

There was also the original Merc A-Class seen here failing the Elk Test - maybe it wouldn't have been on the list if it wasn't for that embarrassment so early in its life.

I always liked the Vel-Satis but not many people were tempted to pay big money for a strange-looking luxury Renault so it was doomed from the start.

I am quite surprised that it had an 8-year lifespan.

The article also breaks down how much each manufacturer lost per example of these cars sold:

Model                     Years                    Estimated Loss Per Vehicle (rounded up/down)
Bugatti Veyron      2005-2013                $6,700,500

VW Phaeton          2001-2012                     $40,800

Renault Vel Satis   2001-2009                     $27,200

Peugeot 1007         2004-2009                     $22,300

Audi A2                 2000-2005                     $11,000

Jaguar X-Type       2001-2009                        $6800

Smart Fortwo         1997-2006                        $6500

Renault Laguna      2006-2012                        $5150

Fiat Stilo                 2001-2009                        $4000

Mercedes A-Class   1997-2004                       $2100

The Peugeot figure is quite shocking because $22300 = £12875 (€15400,US$20800) at current exchange rates which can't be too different from its selling price.

$6800 works out as £3925 (€4700,US$6350) so maybe I got a bargain when I bought my car.

Probably not as much of a bargain as Tata got when they bought Jaguar/Land Rover off Ford though.

Getting Hacked Off

Suddenly, the ending of the brilliant video in my post from earlier this month makes more sense.

The car that fascinates the two Spocks is this self-driving Audi TT:

This car raises two important questions: 

• Do self-driving Audis tailgate other self-driving cars?
• Will a 14-year-old from Indonesia one day be able to hack into self-driving cars?

 Actually, that second question raises even more questions.

 

The question itself, was first asked by a US senator as told to us by Autoguide today.

 

It's a bit scary when you think about it - especially if you live in Indonesia where most 14-year-old Indonesians come from.

 

Imagine you're on you way home from work, reading the evening newspaper or playing Tetris or having a quiet doze while your self-driving car is doing the important stuff when you suddenly find yourself driving through your local branch of Sainsburys (or Wal-Mart or Hero).

 

Technology in lots of modern cars will make them vulnerable for hacking whether it is upgrading the e.c.u. for more power or something more sinister altogether.

 

Self-driving cars themselves have progressed in leaps and bounds in the last decade with some help from the DARPA Grand Challenge with cars like this VW Passat...

 ...through to Google's self-driving Toyota Prius...

Such cars are now legal on the roads in several US States.

I'm rather glad they aren't here in the UK yet though.

Not that we aren't working on the same thing - check this out.

But, apart from nervousness about a computer controlling a ton or two of metal on the loose, I actually enjoy driving and don't want to ever lose out on that.

Plus, what about those Indonesian kids?

Enterprise Rent-a-Car

Fox today asks us "What would Spock drive?"

A Vulcan?

Well, judging by this picture, A Buick.

Apparently it's a '64 Buick Riviera.

However, what Fox have found is a brilliantly amusing ad where he drives a Mercedes CLS.

But it's not a Mercedes ad, it's an Audi ad...


Lots of Star Trek references in there but no mention of Star Trek itself.  Possibly because the Mazda 6 is the official advertising partner of "Star Trek: Into Darkness" so they wouldn't want to upset the sponsors.

I can't vouch for the film because I haven't watched it - yet.  But I can certainly vouch for this advert.

Missing it would be very illogical.