The Emperor's new Clothes

Rather depressing news this week.

Autocar have it here.

The Ford Puma, which isn't a real Ford Puma like this one:

...remains top of the UK's top selling cars list.

Like 8 out of the top 10, it is a crossover SUV.  

Obviously being bought in large numbers by people who are not particularly interested in cars or driving.  Only the Corsa and Golf remain in the list representing proper cars.

You can't really blame them, they will be looking for decent value cars that meet their requirements and if the dealerships only have crossovers in the showrooms then people will buy those.  And the dealers only tend to be showing crossovers because manufacturers are concentrating on producing them.  And manufacturers are only producing them because they are selling in big numbers.

And now we're stuck in a depressing spiral.

Interestingly, (slightly) none of the top ten are specifically electric cars - although some are available as electric variants.

Meanwhile, in the Driven section of the latest Top Gear Magazine, where they review new cars to market, 9 out of 12 of the cars reviewed are electric (including an electric Puma) but only 6 are definitely cross-overs (including an electric Puma).  A couple it's difficult to tell...

What about this?

Yes that is a cross-over but is it much taller than this?

I've decided that that one is not a cross-over.

I think cross-overs are getting shorter in height so maybe manufacturers have noticed that, although profitable, they are not very good.

So, based on what's coming - there is a glimmer of hope - but it depends on your idea of what a cross-over actually is.

Stalking

Something I have said on more than one occasion is, "If your Audi starts with a Q, then I'm not interested."

But that's because they are stupid cross-over SUVs.

Like the Q3.

Here's the new one:

It just looks like all of the other ordinary, bog-standard, stupid, cross-over SUVs.

And here is the Auto Express report on it.

Which I normally wouldn't have bothered to read.

Except, their headline involved the phrase, 

New Audi Q3 reinvents the indicator stalk

Another Tesla-type cock-up?

No, this might actually work...

It's basically a thumb-wheel.  It might actually work - and it's different!

And, because it isn't a BMW, it may get used.

You probably have to go into the menus though to find the toggle for tailgating.

Another End of The World

And yet another Tesla story and also another Tom Ford car review story.

This time he is reviewing the new Tesla Model Y - the one with a real indicator stalk.

He looks a bit menacing actually...

And yet he seems to be a really nice bloke - I'd like to go for a pint with him and talk cars.

Similarly Lars Moravy.

Who?

Vice president, vehicle engineering at Tesla - Tom interviews him about the new Y in the latest video on the Top Gear Magazine YouTube channel.

But some of the things he says are bit menacing.

Early on we get, "When you sell 1.2 million cars worldwide" casually slipped in to the conversation and "You don't want to break the recipe"  Which is more show-offy than menacing and, to be fair, he was also talking about how the replacement Y had a lot more to live up to than, for example, the Cybertruck.

Lars may end up in trouble if it doesn't emulate its predecessor's success so he must be at least a little concerned about falling Tesla sales which must be at least partly down to his boss - a common new nickname for their vehicles, at least on the socials, is Swastikar.  Also Wankpanzer but I don't understand the pun there - especially as "wank" isn't a generally used US term.

Which is why they didn't find "Wang Care" funny.

Lars described the Y as a "world car" - I suppose it is - it is the top selling car in the World and sold all over the World - I doubt if the previous "World Car" ever managed that.

He said that he felt "so separated from everyone around me when I'm driving" which is also not menacing but but just rather disappointing.

But then he is driving an SUV cross-over.

The bit that menaced me was, "Automony in the US is huge - it's coming here in a few months." - it sounded like the sort of thing that Trump makes up on the spot.  Except, unlike Trump, Morovy is a clever man.  With connections.  What does he know?

He also said, "as we get closer and closer to unsupervised in the US..."

I presume he was talking about self-driving technologies rather than general life.

Wasn't he?

Is he an Igor to Musk's Dr.Frankenstein?

Or maybe just a minion to Musks Gru?

Opinionated

Yesterday, The BBC on its news site, asked the question, Should you pay more for parking if you have a big car?

The outcome seemed to be that if you have a big car, you don't agree with the idea while if you don't have a big car, then you don't have anything against the idea.

Although the article also mentions Haringey in London, where the council proposed adding a 5% surcharge for medium sized vehicles (4-4.49m long), and a 10% surcharge for large vehicles which are allegedly over 4.5m long.

I wholeheartedly disagree with this idea.

It doesn't affect me in the slightest as I never park anywhere inside the M25 but my car is 4.761m long so it's the principle that counts.

Now if it were up to me, it wouldn't be the length of the vehicle that was used - it would be the height.

But then I've always had it in for cross-over SUVs.

Meanwhile, have you seen Jaguar's new concept car?

The opinions that has elicited seem to have fallen into three main categories:

• It's woke
• It's gay
• It looks like Lady Penelope's car

I do have some sympathy for that third one.

The first two seem to have also been influenced by the recent Jaguar advert which was just too surreal and pretentious for my liking - like every single perfume ad - I really hate the Johnny Depp Sausage one.

(Not familiar with the work of PIG but I like their style)

People who think that car is "woke" need to invest in a dictionary - IT'S A CAR!  I'm proud to be woke given that the alternative is being ignorant.

And those complaining about the gayness seem to be trying too hard - maybe a bit of insecurity about their own sexuality?

And there will only ever be one Jaguar advert for me, the one that appeared while I was a Jag owner.

At least I dislike the new ad for woke reasons.  I dislike the car because it just looks wrong.  It looks considerably better in a sensible colour.

But, much as I dislike cross-overs, I do think it helps to able to sit in a car without having to tilt your head.

But that's just my opinion.

Wish You Were Here...?

I hate the word "Holibobs".

It should ever only be used by persons involved in conversations that include somebody under the age of 8.

Anyway, I've just got back from my holling-days.

I was told many years ago that if you ever go to New Zealand, it is like the UK about 30 years before with Austin Cambridges and Ford Populars roaming the streets - I was told this in the 1980s.

Anyway, I didn't go to New Zealand.

I went to the Greek island of Domestos.

Actually, I went to the Greek island of Zykanthos - also known as Zante - it was very good.

Although there were many cars from the UK about 20-30 years before.

Like this early Disco:

And millions of hateful little Hyundai Amicas and Atozes (or whatever the plural of Atoz is) - I hope they are ex-rental vehicles because the state of them, especially the Atozes was very poor.

But they were still running.

There were quite a few turn-of-the-Century Primera saloons too - not a popular choice of Primera here in the UK.

The big advantage of most of your vehicle stock being that old is that there were VERY FEW CROSS-OVER SUVs!

But, the few that do exist show the driving, and in this case parking skills of your typical cross-over SUV driver:

Note the Kia Pride in this picture taken through a tinted coach window.

They should reintroduce the Pride name - it would be popular with the LGBTQ+ community.

There are also quite a few seemingly abandoned cars about the island - like this BMW...

...and some sort of Toyota parked up next to it.

Talking of abandoned (or ripe for restoration) Toyotas - look at this Celica GT Liftback:

Then there is this (very much not abandoned) car that looks like it may need some bodywork - it looks at first glance that it has been shot at or just badly corroded but it has actually been adorned with Zakynthos "evil" eyes:

Finally on this holiday report, returning to that Discovery from before, you will notice a motorbike parked next to it.

Lots of people, myself included, took a photo or two of it.

Its owner would have been very pleased that people were taking so much interest in it - it was a de-badged, bit customised jobbie that I don't know enough about motorbikes to be able to identify.

I do know however, that it wasn't any of these:

• A Brough Superior
• A Vincent Black Shadow
• A Honda Cub 50
• The Flying Millyard
• The Millyard Viper
• A Lambretta
• A BSA Bantam
• A Honda Goldwing
• A Harley Davidson Electra Glide
• An Easy Rider-style Chopper

If you asked be what it was, I'd probably have to give the answer that car people hate most when they ask someone what make of car it is that they are wanting to tell us a story about:

"It was a black one"

And in this case, it is irrelevant because everybody was photographing this little chap who was sitting on the bike:

This is Judith Chalmers signing off - hope you enjoyed the show.

No More Electroclash Grey

Autocar claim that Fiat are going to stop making grey cars.

I've just been on their configurator so it looks like there will be no more of these:

So you will now be left with a choice of Pastel Sicilia Orange (which looks quite good), Epic Blue, Dew Green, Bossanova White, Pasodoble Red or Metallic Crossover Black.  I was going to make a comment about how they should stop making crossovers rather stop making grey cars - especially as they've named one of their colours after them...

...but FIAT only make the one - the 500X - and that started out as an MPV.

I do think that there are far too many grey cars on the UK roads though.

There should be a lot less.

Then my grey car would stand out a bit more.

Horny In a Safari Park

Fox News have this new driving tip today:

Don't get between a mother rhino and her child.

Fair enough.  But surely one for West Africa rather than the West Midlands?

Well not according to this story.  Or this Skoda Fabia that got between a rhino mother and her child:

The story helpfully has a picture of the rest of an undamaged Skoda Fabia so that the American readers have an idea what we are talking about here.

Bit of a boring car but at least it isn't a cross-over.

The West Midlands Safari Park (for that is where this happened) are refusing to pay out as apparently the Terms and Conditions that you read and accept (well "accept" anyway) on entering state that you take responsibility for any rhino damage to your vehicle.

And it's not the first time this has happened.  Check out the Birmingham Mail from 2015.

Again, terms and conditions were referenced when considering the considerably less damage to the rear of a Mitsubishi Warrior - a huge ugly tank of a vehicle.  the woman in charge of it (the car not the rhino) said, "We were absolutely petrified. I dread to think what would’ve happened if we’d been in a smaller, lighter vehicle.”

Well now she knows.