The Emperor's new Clothes

Rather depressing news this week.

Autocar have it here.

The Ford Puma, which isn't a real Ford Puma like this one:

...remains top of the UK's top selling cars list.

Like 8 out of the top 10, it is a crossover SUV.  

Obviously being bought in large numbers by people who are not particularly interested in cars or driving.  Only the Corsa and Golf remain in the list representing proper cars.

You can't really blame them, they will be looking for decent value cars that meet their requirements and if the dealerships only have crossovers in the showrooms then people will buy those.  And the dealers only tend to be showing crossovers because manufacturers are concentrating on producing them.  And manufacturers are only producing them because they are selling in big numbers.

And now we're stuck in a depressing spiral.

Interestingly, (slightly) none of the top ten are specifically electric cars - although some are available as electric variants.

Meanwhile, in the Driven section of the latest Top Gear Magazine, where they review new cars to market, 9 out of 12 of the cars reviewed are electric (including an electric Puma) but only 6 are definitely cross-overs (including an electric Puma).  A couple it's difficult to tell...

What about this?

Yes that is a cross-over but is it much taller than this?

I've decided that that one is not a cross-over.

I think cross-overs are getting shorter in height so maybe manufacturers have noticed that, although profitable, they are not very good.

So, based on what's coming - there is a glimmer of hope - but it depends on your idea of what a cross-over actually is.

The Party's Over

The Conservative Party?

I wish.

No, this party is a fiesta - the Ford Fiesta is dead.

Or will be soon anyway.

A bit of crappy Ford management-speak states,

"We are accelerating our efforts to go all-in on electrification and therefore review our vehicle portfolio in line with our business strategy. We do not comment on speculation and will share more information in the coming months.”

This is their response to being asked if the Fiesta will be joining its already deceased sibling, the Mondeo.

So they won't deny it then?

Auto-Express have the story here.

Autocar use it as an excuse to repeat one of their slideshows.

The Fiesta is already conspicuously absent from the top-selling cars lists - like this one - which is sadly dominated by cross-over SUVs - like Ford's horrific Kuga and Puma which both get mentions.  

Interesting that the Focus has gone from the top 10 too.

Also interesting though is that in at number one is Vauxhall's Fiesta-rival the Corsa.

I think Ford's Marketing Department have missed the party.

Flipping Vauxhalls!

I can only go on what I've read in this BBC story.

And I would normally be dead against the wanton damage of a car...

Unless done for entertainment purposes by Clarkson, May & Hammond...

But a jury have heard the full story and evidence so I'm fully behind the guy driving the telehandler here:

I'd never heard of a telehandler before but basically, a "telescopic handler" is a forklift which has a boom that can extend forwards and upwards from the vehicle.

Anyway, these two scrotes, at least one of whom is drunk, have suffered a double-puncture.

Unfortunate.

But in those circumstances, parking at the side of that road and asking for help would be the sensible thing to do.

NOT PARKING IN SOMEONE'S DRIVE AND THEN KICKING OFF AT HIM.

Both scrotes seem to have been filming the events so we can see what went on and I do think that it is reasonable that this went to Court given the damage to the car and the fact that one scrote was also upended.

It is also funny watching that one scrote kicking the telehandler reinforcing the fact that he isn't too bright.

The farmer driving the telehandler seems to have left it exactly where the Corsa driver should have left it in the first place - just a bit upside down.

I would just love to have heard the conversations with the roadside recovery people.

AA Man: "You just told us it had two punctures!  We're going to have to turn this the right way up. You don't know anyone round here with a telehandler do you?"

Stock Response

My most recent two posts have been about football and about a small hatchback with bits missing.

This one combines the two.

It comes from this BBC story.

 

Some football pitches have running tracks around them.

 

Ballymena United's has a racetrack running around it.

 

And we aren't talking Formula One.

 

Inevitably in Stock car Racing and Banger Racing, cars may just, ever so slightly, COLLIDE!

 

So the odd one is getting shunted on to the pitch - and churning it up.  This isn't damage that can be easily remedied by a bloke wandering on to the pitch with a hoe at half-time.

 

Maybe they should change their name to Ballymena ROVERS.

Bad Couple of Days for Corsa Owners

Although this picture is a red herring because it is from an old 2014 BBC News item.

The poor Corsa owners I am referring to here are from more recent BBC News stories.

This elderly gent has had his Corsa vandalised because of its colour:

The story is here.  He parks his car outside his cottage in a very picturesque Gloucestershire village where it has come under criticism for spoiling the view with its "ugly" bright yellow paintwork.  I say some people ought to get a life. 

Defiant 84-year-old Peter Maddox said if the car was too expensive to repair, he would buy a replacement - in lime green.  Good on him, although I would add the proviso that the replacement was a particularly tatty old car in lime green - just so that it would further infuriate those concerned about the aesthetics and also so that further vandalism would have little effect.

The article does not mention whether or not the Police were involved but maybe he wouldn't want them involved after what happened to an unfortunate Corsa driver who was taken ill in Workington, Cumbria.

That BBC story is here.

The bomb squad were called after concerns about an unattended Vauxhall Corsa at Workington police station.  The building was evacuated, a 100m cordon put in place and the vehicle blown up.

They had carried out a controlled explosion on the vehicle that had been left there by a some of their own officers who had earlier come to the aid of its poorly driver.

They apologised to the owner.

Shopping Car(t)

I don't often get directed to the "femail" section of the Mail Website.  But that's where I found myself reading this story.

 

I'm surprised that with the huge publicity and marketing resources Tesco have at their disposal, that I've not seen this elsewhere but I'm sure it will be turning up in every ad-break on all commercial TV channels very soon.

 

Basically, Tesco have taken an ordinary car and covered it in their grocery products to promote their latest money-off fuel promotion.

 

It is a working car but I have to question the road-legality given that its headlamps are saucepans.

Also, given what its seats are, I wouldn't fancy driving it very far... 

After studying the short video in the article, I eventually ruled out it being based on a Vauxhall Corsa and decided that it started life as one of these:

I don't know if The Mail are in league with Tesco, or with the car's designer, Anthony Farquhar-Smith - both seem to be getting a good, free ad.

 

So what next?  A Morrison's Minor or That's Mazda Price!

A Family Affair

Caught this rather nice article in the online Telegraph this week. It came with this very cheesy photo:

It's about BTCC driver (and reigning champion) Matt Neal teaching his twin sons, Will & Harry, to drive now that they have turned 17.

William and Harry!!

I hadn't though of him being a Royalist. I also hadn't thought of him as being old enough to have kids old enough to drive. He's only about my age!

His sons will have an excellent teacher and it looks like he is trying to keep their feet on the ground including some professional lessons as well. I'm not as sure of the car choices though, a sporty Corsa and an old Beetle with no seatbelts. The former will cost a fortune to insure and the latter has no seatbelts.

I've not mentioned the BTCC much this year - but I haven't missed a race and they have been just as exciting as every recent season. I've not watched any f1 meanwhile and am not missing it in the slightest.

The BTCC last weekend was at Rockingham and much rain caused much sliding off but there were no major disputes - unlike last year when this excellent picture was taken:

I don't usually credit the pictures I find on the 'Net but this is worth a link and a mention of Life Exposed Photography as this picture perfectly captures Matt in full-on anger mode where no other picture of the incident I've found does.

Here, Matt is launching himself at Jason Plato after a serious shunt in qualifying. Good! - we like some passion in our racing drivers. Jason is wisely keeping his helmet on given that Matt practises martial arts and is considerably bigger than him. Meanwhile, their dads are in the picture trying to make sure it doesn't get any worse.

A very un-cheesy photo - but, then again, racing-driver Matt Neal will be nothing like family-man Matt Neal - I hope! And it looks like it is family-man Matt Neal that Wills & Harry have as their driving instuctor.

Car Review - Vauxhall Corsa SXi

This shiny vehicle that I have lived with for the past few days is a Vauxhall Corsa SXi in sovereign silver.

Sovereign Silver!? – well that’s wrong for a start, sovereigns aren’t silver are they? - they’re gold.

Anyway, when I saw “SXi” on the key fob, I was looking forward to a reasonably sporty experience. Maybe not a VXR or even an SRi but an “X” must mean something good mustn’t it?

Then I also spotted “1.2” on there. The figures in the back of Top Gear Magazine suggest 85bhp and also 85 torques with a top speed of 107mph and a 0-60 time of 12.7 seconds. Oh well – I’ve got a shopping car.

So I took it shopping.I’m not too sure about the side profile and what’s with those little windows in front of the door-mirrors? Who is ever going to look out of them?This is my favourite view, though - it shows the new corporate Vauxhall face and I think it has an attractively aggressive stance.

The boot, although it looks small, (but then again – I usually drive a Jag estate) coped adequately with a week’s worth of Tesco products. But to illustrate it better, and in the true spirit of car reviews, I have photographed it with just one item in it – an item that everyone immediately knows the size of – a box of 6 Askey’s Brandy Snap Baskets:The interior is very grey with shiny piano-black trim and red stitching which I guess is what makes it sporty enough to be called an SXi.No fancy infotainment unit but what there is plays Radio 2 just fine so no complaints in that department.

The steering wheel is fully adjustable but the position that is most comfortable for me means that I can’t see the top of the dials so I have to guess how fast I’m going and how much fuel I have unless I duck my head down to see under the rim. This gets quite irritating at speed cameras although may mean that if I get caught by a speed trap, they mightn’t be able to prove from the photo that it was me driving.Unlike all other car reviewers, I am not 6 foot 2. Consequently I have no size issues with the back of this car and I can also categorically state that there is plenty of room for a nine-year-old boy to be driven to school back there without complaining – well, complaining about the car anyway.

So what’s it like to drive?

It’s got the usual irritating Vauxhall quirks that I had forgotten about since I once drove a Vectra about 5 years ago. Apparently, if you want to learn how to fly a helicopter, you move the joystick and see what the helicopter does – so if you want it to do that again, move the joystick in the same way again. The same method works with training sheepdogs. It doesn’t work, however, with figuring out the indicator and wiper controls on Vauxhalls. Even reading the manual doesn’t help.

So, assuming you’ve got a road with no turns on a rain-free day, I’ll ask the question again, what’s it like to drive?

I know that the sweep of the bonnet is important for aero-dynamics and not killing pedestrians but it means that you can’t actually see from the driver’s seat where the car begins – that’s just daft in a small car.

It copes well with my motorway and A-Road commute, albeit a bit engine-noisy on the motorway when cruising at 70 to 75 at a bit over 3000revs. Maybe a sixth gear would fix that but it would also give the car an extra excuse to nag you to change up with a green “SHIFT UP” symbol that appears in the rev-counter when it decides that you need to. If it was moved to near the top of the rev-counter, then I wouldn’t be able to see it – so a suggestion for Vauxhall there.

A smaller engine than I’m used to means that you have to downshift (or “drop it down a cog” to use car-reviewer speak) to get past lorries and old people that I’m more accustomed to sailing past. To make up for this, I’m getting better fuel economy. Top Gear suggest 53.3mpg is achievable but my town and country mix of driving is currently giving about 40 – a figure I could only dream about in my own car.

The fact that this car only has 300 miles on the clock means that the engine still needs a bit of time to loosen up or bed in or whatever it is that new engines have to do - so I can’t be too critical.

So, what is my final verdict?

A competent small car. Comfortable and copes well, if noisily, at motorway speeds. Not enough room in the boot for a set of golf clubs – but then again, I don’t play golf. Talking of golf, does this car score a birdie or a bogey?

Well, overall, I think I’d have to say that it’s par for the Corsa.