Chery on Top

Last time I mentioned Chery it was 2013.

Now, one of their brands, Jaecoo, has just topped the UK March car sales figures with its 7.

Not to be confused wth the Lotus 7.

Although it's more likely to be confused with a Range Rover.

It has beaten the Puma into second place.

The Qashqai is third and the Sportage is fourth.  Autocar report the story here.

Stupid SUVs.

They also report a sudden increase of interest in EVs due to a certain orange toddler-pillock stuffing up the World's oil supplies.

I've just asked the Internet how you pronounce Jaecoo.

Apparently it's "Jake who?"

So then I asked it for famous Jakes.  It listed about 30.

But the only one I'd heard of was Jake Gyllenhaal.

Perhaps it was an American site because it didn't come up with Jake Bugg.

Who at least has a car-related name.

I appear to have digressed slightly. 

The Emperor's new Clothes

Rather depressing news this week.

Autocar have it here.

The Ford Puma, which isn't a real Ford Puma like this one:

...remains top of the UK's top selling cars list.

Like 8 out of the top 10, it is a crossover SUV.  

Obviously being bought in large numbers by people who are not particularly interested in cars or driving.  Only the Corsa and Golf remain in the list representing proper cars.

You can't really blame them, they will be looking for decent value cars that meet their requirements and if the dealerships only have crossovers in the showrooms then people will buy those.  And the dealers only tend to be showing crossovers because manufacturers are concentrating on producing them.  And manufacturers are only producing them because they are selling in big numbers.

And now we're stuck in a depressing spiral.

Interestingly, (slightly) none of the top ten are specifically electric cars - although some are available as electric variants.

Meanwhile, in the Driven section of the latest Top Gear Magazine, where they review new cars to market, 9 out of 12 of the cars reviewed are electric (including an electric Puma) but only 6 are definitely cross-overs (including an electric Puma).  A couple it's difficult to tell...

What about this?

Yes that is a cross-over but is it much taller than this?

I've decided that that one is not a cross-over.

I think cross-overs are getting shorter in height so maybe manufacturers have noticed that, although profitable, they are not very good.

So, based on what's coming - there is a glimmer of hope - but it depends on your idea of what a cross-over actually is.

The case for the defence.

I may have mentioned once or twice that I can't be doing with SUVs.

And people who like cars and driving tend to agree with me.

So what is Steve Walker, Head of Digital Content, at Auto Express, doing defending the stupid things?

Is he a website geek rather than a car geek?

His bio states that he has "been a motoring journalist, road tester and editor for over 20 years" so maybe not.

He gives several reasons why SUVs are extremely popular with the buying public, specifically:

• tough looks
• higher seating position that makes it easier to get in and see out
• outdoorsy image

His words not mine.

I get the easy access angle for those of an arthritic nature.

But I certainly wouldn't call a Ford Puma "tough-looking."

In fact, don't get me started on Ford prostituting their former glories by naming SUVs after them:

• Puma
• Capri
• Mustang
• Kuga/Cougar

Back to Steve though, and for all his words, at no point does he say that HE likes SUVs.

Despite this, his article does have a pro-SUV feeling and imply a preference for them so I expected a backlash in the comments.

It is now 7pm British Summer Time and there are only 10 comments.

Three of them are from either a Chinese bot or a Chinese moron using AI.  There is a comment about the Ford Fiesta and a reply stating that they don't make them any more and the final 5 comments are a pointless argument that doesn't really go anywhere.

Meanwhile, I think SUVs don't handle properly and they all look  alike:

So there.

George Michael Impersonator

Two different BBC car stories caught my eye today.

Ford have launched a car that can be driven hands-free on British motorways.

WHY!?

OK, so I suppose you  have to start somewhere - but not with this.

Apparently, you have to keep your eyes on the road ahead and "the driver is not permitted to use their mobile, fall asleep or conduct any activity that takes attention away from the road."

So what is the point?

Plus, this is a Ford Mustang Mach e that has a maximum speed of 80mph.

DON'T CALL SOMETHING THAT CAN ONLY DO 80MPH A MUSTANG!

I hate the way Ford are reusing classic car names on horrible SUVs - I'm looking at you, Ford Puma.

I don't normally like the comments under BBC stories - the ones I usually read tend to be full of angry Gammons still trying to defend Brexit.  But this one is lots of angry Gammons and angry non-gammons coming up with more and more reasons why this won't work in Britain.  Smart Motorways being a good one - this car is supposed to safely grind to a halt if the driver loses interest in the road ahead - you will have cars stopping all over the place on warm, Summer afternoons.

And will Police have to check whether or not it is the right age of Mustang when they see a driver doing jazz-hands while travelling at 70mph down the M6? And that his hands-free subscription is up to date?

Yes, you need to subscribe to this hands-free driving lark as well!

So why have I called this post, "George Michael Impersonator?"

Ah, well that's because of my second BBC story which combines my love of cars with my love of Swansea City Football Club.  Danny Graham made 54 appearances for us. This includes when we were in the Premier League, so I don't know why we are only a sub-note in the story of him crashing an expensive Jaguar-Land-Rover vehicle into a Co-op in County Durham:

Whilst over the limit.

I wonder if his hands were on the wheel at the time?

Video Nasty

On Tuesday I reported on the imminent demise of The Ford Fiesta.

This has now been confirmed.

And Ford have made an extremely sickly video to try to justify it.

In it, it becomes apparent that the Fiesta is to be replaced (and not in a Liz Truss way) with a quartet of electric SUVs.

"Because it's job was done."

They have a Puma in the Suella Braverman role which seems appropriate.

Never mind, here's a video from the BBC today with a happy ending:

The Party's Over

The Conservative Party?

I wish.

No, this party is a fiesta - the Ford Fiesta is dead.

Or will be soon anyway.

A bit of crappy Ford management-speak states,

"We are accelerating our efforts to go all-in on electrification and therefore review our vehicle portfolio in line with our business strategy. We do not comment on speculation and will share more information in the coming months.”

This is their response to being asked if the Fiesta will be joining its already deceased sibling, the Mondeo.

So they won't deny it then?

Auto-Express have the story here.

Autocar use it as an excuse to repeat one of their slideshows.

The Fiesta is already conspicuously absent from the top-selling cars lists - like this one - which is sadly dominated by cross-over SUVs - like Ford's horrific Kuga and Puma which both get mentions.  

Interesting that the Focus has gone from the top 10 too.

Also interesting though is that in at number one is Vauxhall's Fiesta-rival the Corsa.

I think Ford's Marketing Department have missed the party.

Humbling

Looks like Tyre Extinguishers have made it to the States.  Car+Driver report here about a group of SUV-Haters who have started to let down tyres of offending vehicles in New York, San Francisco and Chicago.

They object to gas-guzzlers but will also target electric SUVs - it seems to do more with the size than anything else.

I'm pretty sure that my saloon car does a lot more gas guzzling and particle emitting than a Ford Puma although the Puma is a lot more offensive to my eyesight.

I wouldn't normally comment on a story like this but I ended up going down one of my Internet rabbit-holes when I spotted the phrase "Hummer Salute" in the article.  I correctly guessed that a Hummer Salute is the same salute that Tory MP Andrea Jenkyns gave to a group of people who had annoyed her this week:

I also found a very prescient article from GQ Magazine of all places from 2010.

It is entitled:

The Last Hummer: A 21-gun salute for America's most cynical brand

but doesn't actually mention a 21-Gun Salute.  It does instead strongly criticise GM for their acquisition and handling of the Hummer brand at the time it was being shelved by them.  It also strongly criticises the vehicle itself.  

It blames "Zarella" for  this embarrassing GM situation.  Not a YouTube Influencer, but Ron Zarrella, part of a management team drafted in from outside the motor industry.

The prescient bit is when it says, "Under different circumstances, GM might have resurrected the brand. And another firm with very deep pockets still might—arriving at the last moment (as Spyker did for Saab, but only with more money) as a green maker of electric 4x4s, for instance."

So look at Hummer today.

Then look at Saab.

We have a humdinger and a humbled.