Instruments of Torture

BMW haven't learned from Volkswagen's mistake.

They did learn from their own mistake though.

But it looks like Hyundai haven't learned from BMW's mistake.

They want to charge extra for an instrument binnacle!

An instrument binnacle that stops the car looking like the inside of a Tesla.

The cars it's slated for are the Ionic 3 and the Elantra.  The Elantra looks really good from the outside.

Shame it'll be ruined by the inside.

Meanwhile, Ford are charging Mustang Mach E buyers $495 to use their front boot.

But then people who are buying SUVs that are named after sporty cars will be gullible enough to pay up.

I'm not into Hyundais or Tik-Tok

But if I was in to both, and I had low-life tendencies, then I would probably be looking to emulate the Kia Challenge - which also works on their cousin-brand Hyundai. I don't know if their posher cousin-brand Genesis is affected, you would hope that they would all come with immobilisers.

The challenge, which has nothing to do with a bucket of icy water, involves breaking a rear window, breaking the steering column shroud and using a USB cable somehow to start and therefore steal the car.

According to yahoo!news, this is an expanding problem in The States.  They cite:

• Louisville Metro Police Department announced on Wednesday that 52 vehicles, half of which were Kias and the other half Hyundais, were stolen between July 1 and July 25.
• Arlington Police Department received 12 reports of stolen Kia vehicles, with most occurring towards the end of July. Several underaged individuals have been arrested and charged.
• Police in St. Petersburg, Florida, reported 56 stolen vehicles in the last two weeks, with 23 of them being 2021 or older Kia and Hyundai models.

It is spreading worldwide too with the first instance down under in Brisbane.

This is poor design on the part of the Korean manufacturers - the 2022 cars now do come with immobilisers.

But if you are into slightly older Hyundais, you also need to be in to Krook-Lok.

A Little Nissan Qashqai

They don't have Nissan Qashqais in America.

Is it because they can't pronounce it?

That can't be it - they manage well enough with their own pronunciations of Jaguar and Hyundai.

Although their version of the Qashqai is a lot easier to pronounce - I give you the Nissan Kicks:

Which looks remarkably like a Qashqai and is about the same size.

WHICH ISN'T SMALL!

It seems to be 85mm shorter than a Qashqai though - which is probably why it has made it in to Autoguide's list of the Smallest Cars on Sale Today 

- in America.

Their smallest car is the Chevrolet Spark.  That used to be on sale here in the UK.  It was bland.

I suppose it is small - albeit not as small as a Fiat 500.

Drive.com.au have a story about one of those that is antibacterial.  It has a UV lamp in the glovebox to zap Covid too.

And a link to U2.

You can only drive it where the streets have no name.

It is part of a partnership between Stellantis and Red.  Red is a company co-founded by Bono which seems to be linked to fighting health emergencies around the World.

Like Covid.

But, if a Fiat 500 is still too big for you, you may be interested in this Swiss, electric, Isetta:

It has two seats.

So it can be driven with or without you.

Genesis Line-Up

I'm more of the Phil Collins time than the Peter Gabriel.

I always think of Collins as a Tory sell-out.  He said he'd leave the country if Labour got in.

Rock and Roll, Phil.

But of course, this is a car blog so I am talking about Genesis the car brand.  They have entered the UK market and their line-up is here.  The G80 is featured in this month's Top Gear magazine - it gets 7 out of 10.

Genesis is the upmarket Hyundai brand.

Like Acura is Honda's, Lexus is Toyota's and Infiniti is Nissan's.

Acura never came to the UK, Lexus is very successful while Infiniti tried but gave up last year.  If they had hung on a bit longer, they could have revelled in Ash Sutton's astonishing success in the BTCC in one of their cars - and maybe sold a few more.

Car+Driver have a story about the new all-electric Genesis GV60 coming to America:

It has a fancy gear-knob described as, "an illuminated 'crystal sphere'"

Being a Korean company selling to America, they won't realise that that choice of car colour makes it look like a Citroen Cactus:

That's All.

Creating a Monster

 Albeit a cute one:

Looks better from the rear though:

The front reminds me too much of Tina from Bob's Burgers:

So what is this mystery car that looks so much like a Mark I Hyundai Pony?

It's actually a Mark I Hyundai Pony.  It has been disassembled and rebuilt by Hyundai to celebrate their new customer centre in Busan, Korea. They have added an electric motor and some other funky touches. Car+Driver have the story here.

One of my favourite funky touches is the Nixie tubes in the dash display:

I never even knew that those things were called "Nixie Tubes"

So what is "the monster" of which I speak?

Is it from a film as scary as Dracula or La La Land?

No.

I am talking about the gigantic motoring conglomerate that is Hyundai/Kia and which was created, or at least grown, with a bit of help (including the Mark I Pony in the photo above) from British Leyland.  That story is here.

Now a film of the story of British Leyland WOULD be a horror movie.

Another Reason to Dislike Kia.

I'm probably being unfair but the image of Kia to me is the budget sibling of a budget brand (Hyundai) who make boring econoboxes.

Which is probably why they are rebranding.

I reported a couple of days ago about their new logo and the thoughts behind it.

Autocar have more news today.

I hate it when my boss uses the word "robust".

This is because I hate management speak.

So imagine how I feel when I read phrases like,

The Korean firm intends to “break away from its traditional manufacturing-driven business model”, instead expanding into “new and emerging business areas by creating innovative mobility products and services to improve customers’ daily lives”

and

the company will diversify into “eco friendly mobility services, centred on electric and autonomous driving across major global cities”

Ye Gods.

Now this is part of Kia’s long-term ‘Plan S’ strategy, which will see a focus on new dedicated electric vehicles - seven of which will be launched by 2027.

OK, seem reasonable.  The first will be a coupe-crossover.

Another bloody coupe-crossover!!

The preview shots (useless pictures of some vehicles in a hangar during a power cut) show a number of what Kia calls “Purpose-Built Vehicles” (PBVs)

PBVs!!

I already hate SUVs - now I've got to hate PBVs!

Meanwhile, over in America, the big news is, "Kia Sedona Minivan Could Be Renamed Carnival for 2022"

I guess the rebrand has begun.

Park That Thought

The thing that attracted me to this Car+Driver story is that it means I don't have to mention Coronavirus.

Because it's got absolutely nothing to do with Coronavirus.

It starts back in early February - this was before the West got too concerned about Coronavirus.

Oh Bugger.

Anyway, Car+Driver tried out Hyundai's "Smart Park" self-parking system as demonstrated by an advert in the middle of The Super Bowl.  That story is here.  Here is their still from that ad:

The bloke without the coffee is impressing the bloke who looks like him but does have coffee by allowing his Hyundai Sonata to park itself into a narrow gap.

Now, being me, I was more interested in the very badly parked car to the right of it.  Now it had obviously been very badly parked by somebody connected to the advert in order to demonstrate the parking feature of the Sonata.

But, in the real World, you wouldn't want to use that feature in this case because the moron who can't park is almost certain to damage your car by:

a) trying to get in to his own car and

b) trying to reverse out into the road

 

But, back to that car itself. I spent ages trying to work out what the hell it actually is.  It sort of looks vaguely familiar in an old Jeep Cherokee or perhaps Nissanish sort of way - but it has a strange R logo on it so it's either a make that we don't have in Britain that Americans would identify straight off or it's an old Hyundai (or Kia) that the ad people have disguised so as not to distract viewers from the Sonata.

 

Well that didn't work.

 

And, judging by the article that led me to write this, the Smart Park can't be trusted either.

Look Behind You!

I changed my car last month.

I now own a BMW 3-Series.

I like to confuse other drivers by using my indicators correctly.

I was a bit confused myself though, and also somewhat perturbed by these three red blobs that appeared on the dash whenever I started it up:

There was nothing in the manual about them and red is bad - right?

But they went away after a few seconds so they can't be that bad, can they?

Then one of then went green when I was giving my son and his guitar a lift to the station.

Green is good.

A bit of Internet research then told me that these blobs represent whether or not the rear seat passengers (irrespective of whether they exist or not) have got their seatbelts clicked in.

OK, I get that - it's nice to know, if you are planning to crash, whether or not the person sat behind you is liable to be flung through your helpless body creating gruesome carnage.  Or not - green is good and red is OK if there's nobody sizeable sat there.

So when I read this Car+Driver story this week about how Hyundai will be making rear-occupant alert standard by 2022, I assumed that it was something like what I had been experiencing.

But no.

This is a system already made available by some manufacturers to alert drivers IF THEY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY LEFT A CHILD IN THE BACK OF THEIR VEHICLE. (I put it in capitals because it sounds unbelievable)

How can that even be a thing?

I can understand people deliberately leaving children in cars if they think they'll only be a short time - it is very stupid and they should feel the full force of the law if anything happens to the child (and also maybe if it doesn't)

BUT HOW CAN YOU FORGET A CHILD IS IN YOUR CAR!?

Sadly - apparently you can.  I want to be flippant and mention the Darwin Awards but it feels wrong after reading that.  I don't understand how that could happen and also how car manufacturers have to put something in place to prevent it happening again.

So, rather than try to comprehend that, here's the cute picture they used in the story:

Don'tClick-Bait

What's the opposite of Click-Bait?

Don'tClick-Bait, of course.

Like this story title from Autoguide.com yesterday:

2018 Lexus LS 500 Pricing Remains Competitive

I clicked on it.

But only out of morbid curiosity.

Apparently, "Despite offering more powerful, comfort, and safety than ever before, the new Lexus LS 500 has a base price that is $3,820 less than its current long-wheelbase predecessor."

Also, "The Interior Upgrade Package adds quilted-stitch, perforated semi-aniline leather-trimmed interior, 28-way power driver’s seat with multifunction massage, power front seatbelt buckles, heated rear seats, and more for $3,730."

Unfortunately, "The Interior Upgrade Package is not available on the F Sport model."

Autoguide rather hopefully add, "Discuss this story on our Lexus Forum"

No thank you.

They are doing a bit better today.

There is Entertainment news:

New Hyundai Veloster Set to Star in ‘Ant Man and the Wasp’

and some gossip:

‘Merican Dream: Danica Patrick is Dating Aaron Rodgers

I had not heard of Aaron Rodgers but the article informs be that he plays for The Green Bay Packers.

There is also a headline that means you really don't need to read the article if you don't want to:

Refreshed 2019 Jeep Cherokee is No Longer Ugly and Gets New Turbo Engine

And then they go and spoil it all with:

10 Interesting Facts About the History of the Volkswagen Jetta

None of which particularly are.

Meanwhile, at the bottom of each of these stories you have the crappy advertising by Taboola showing why click-bait is such a derided term:

Now, to decide which picture from these stories I should use to promote this post with.

 

Danica Patrick in a swimsuit?

 

No.  After all, this post is titled "Don'tClick-Bait"

The Posh Pronunciation of Porsche

Or at least, the correct version:

I've always pronounced it that way anyway, but, as Car+Driver suggest, maybe this is aimed at the Americans.

Now to teach them how to say Hyundai and Jaguar.

And Nissan.

Gone in 30 Seconds

500 reservations for the 2015 Mustang that is.

Car and Driver cover this story here.

I like their wording - obviously done from an American point of view:

"If there’s one thing Europeans like, it’s soccer. Or ‘football,’ if you want to be particular about it. If there are two things Europeans like, they’re soccerball and Ford Mustangs, baby."

Yes, we do need to be particular about it - the USA is the only country in The World which doesn't call football "football" - they reserve that word for something that has more in common with rugby.

But that is besides the point.

I am European.

I am also Welsh and British but I am happy with the European tag too - none of that UKIP piffle for me.

And, as a European, two of my favourite things (note the spelling of "favourite") are football and cars - or is that just because I'm a bloke?  And when I say cars, I'm not specific about the 2015 Mustang - although it is rather attractive:

Anyway, C&D continues...

"Ford leveraged its 'official vehicle supplier' position with the UEFA Champions League to promote the 2015 Mustang, including letting 500 fans preorder a car during the UEFA Champions League final. Those cars were reserved very quickly."

Within 30 seconds, in fact.

The orders were placed by Europeans from 20 different countries, presumably including the UK, where, for the first time ever, the Mustang will be available in right-hand-drive - good news.

I bet those 500 reservations weren't from people interested in the football that evening though - despite it being an enthralling game which I watched whilst not reserving a Mustang.

I didn't notice any of the players with mobile phones either so they wouldn't have been among the 500.

The FIFA World Cup starts in a week or so.

Official Partners are Kia/Hyundai.  The Kia site looks better.  This also explains a recent series I've been watching on the Dave channel whereby two of my favourite (note the spelling again) comedians (Henning Wehn & Mark Watson) have been travelling (two "L"s) around South America on their way to Brazil in a Kia.

Stangely enough, they have not been travelling around in a Kia Rio though.

 

So, I wonder if, during the World Cup Final, we will get the chance to reserve a 2015 Kia Cee'd.

Lots of Fun

Car lots of fun? This amusing article on the Car&Driver site highlights the secret language used by salesmen working on America's car Lots.

Now Arthur Daley here also had his own patois used on his car lot:

But that was just Cockney - Corblimey Mate! Luvaduck. Beales - Don't talk to me about Beales!

I've been meeting a few car salesmen lately.  Never a car saleswoman - do they exist?

My wife is after a new (or newer) car - it all follows on from the little yellow light that appears in a photo in my earlier post about the MOT test.  So far we've visited (in order of appearance) our local Toyota, Mazda, Hyundai and Ford dealers for test drives.

At the moment, my wife is being "up" while I am being "Third Baseman".  However, I'm not very good at this.  When she has finalised her choice, I will switch to being "Paperboy" - a role I recently played while purchasing our new family computer.  I wasn't very good at that either.

I have seen a couple of "Lot lizards" and would wish them well with "de-horsing" given the condition of my wife's current car - but that doesn't tend to happen in Britain anyway - if they want to keep you in the place, they make you a hot coffee and you are supposed to feel guilty if you don't finish it.

If you want to understand the past two paragraphs, and this clever illustration...

...you will need to read the article.

However, if you want to understand Arthur Daley, and maybe spend some sausage and mash on a new jam-jar, then this site may be more useful.

Race Relations

Pistonheads today have a story headlined "Kia Want to Race" about how Kia want to get a bit of racing pedigree added to their image.  This is in the wake of their sister-brand, Hyundai announcing entry to the WRC.

Hence, "Race Relations" - geddit?

Anyhoo, Kia are looking into Touring Cars in Europe but haven't said exactly where.

The Pistonheads story quotes the MD of Kia UK as saying, "Motorsport is an interesting proposition for us and Touring Cars is an interesting area that we are looking at.  It will help set the two brands apart and would help increase awareness of Kia. I would like to see something a little more sporty about the brand."

Now, since the MD of Kia UK is talking about this, then surely the way forward is the BTCC.

The BTCC started for 2013 at Brands Hatch on March 31st.  And very enjoyable it was too.

ITV4, as usual, covered the full day.  For some unknown reason, they've swapped their co-commentator though.  Now, instead of Toby Moody joining Tim Harvey in the commentary box, we have Tim with David Addison.

 No, not THAT David Addison, THIS David Addison...



I have to admit that I wasn't familiar with this particular David Addison - but his background experience seems fine and he did a good job at Brands.  His preview of the Season can be found here on the ITV Website.

Would have still liked Murray Walker there though.

During a break in the BTCC coverage, ITV took the opportunity to promote some more of the Motorsport they will be covering this year - and that now includes the WRC.  Only highlights of some races but it is a start - might help to reverse the need for "Rallying Support" - note my last paragraph in that article - someone is listening after all!

And, apparently, Kia's sister-brand Hyundai is joining the WRC - I remember reading that recently.

Take a Break

Sunday February 5th 2012 sees a big day in the world of football. At 2:30pm GMT, assuming they don't have any problems with a frozen pitch, Airbus UK take on Port Talbot in the Corbett Sports Welsh Premier League.

Now if, unlike me, you don't happen to be Welsh and are perhaps, like Barack Obama, American (yes Fox News - we've seen the birth certificate) then you may be interested in a different football match - involving a different game called football.

Sunday February 5th 2012 also sees the New York Giants take on the New England Patriots in something called "Super Bowl XLVI". This is an opportunity for big corporations to pay millions of dollars to get advertising slots in the middle of the broadcasts. The big car companies are no exception.

The online motoring press worldwide have been taking the oppoturnity to preview these ads and my favourite Australian site came up with this report which includes an amusing effort from Toyota:and a pleasant (if slightly schmaltzy) one from Hyundai:
Autoguide also have a few including my favourite - the one in this story featuring Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno. It also features (very briefly) the new Honda NSX. It would have to be "briefly" because it is still just a concept car - they haven't even designed the interior yet.

Nevertheless, enjoy:

Hyundai Veloster

What do you call a donkey with three legs?A Wonkey!

What do you call a car with three side-doors?

A Mini Clubman.

Or, now, a Hyundai Veloster.

There is a first drive report in the latest Top Gear Magazine which again sports a Seat ad on the back cover - normal service has been resumed.

So how does that work then?

Well, if you take a look at the driver's side...... you will see a quite attractive coupe. Hyundai have a history of providing cheap, attractive coupes amongst its range of cheap, unnattractive runabouts.

But look at the other side of the same car......and you see what looks like a compact five-door hatch. Even with the hidden Alfa 156-style door handles, it is obviously equipped with normal-sized, normally-hinged front and rear doors.

The car goes on sale here in the UK in November and should cost between £17000 and £20000 and, unlike the Mini Clubman, will not expect us to deposit our children into the path of traffic as the door configuration will be reversed for right-hand-drive markets.

It shouldn't really matter that either side will look different because, unless you park next to a big mirror, you will never see both sides at the same time - (this was also useful if you lost two wheel trims - you only ever had to buy two new ones even if they didn't match the existing ones because as long as they were on the same side of the car, nobody would be any the wiser)

This car will appeal to yummy mummies on a budget who like the idea of a coupe but want the practicality of a car they can get the children in and out of easily - it is a very good idea that could also have worked on the Range-Rover Evoque of which it has already been commented upon that the three-door is difficult to get in and out of the back of.

Now they just need to sort out the name - Veloster - are they trying to imply velocity? It will be starting with a 1.6 petrol engine which, although fast enough for any town-coupe, isn't a sporting tool. And "velo" to me implies bicycle. Will they call it that in France?

How about they call it The Hyundai Trois-Pattes-âne?

Attack of the Clones

This morning, as I often do, I clicked on Autocar Car News. The coffee hadn't quite kicked in so, looking at these accompanying pictures, I thought the first two stories were going to be about Hyundai and Mitsubishi.



















Only problem is, the first picture wasn't of a Hyundai i-30 like this one...




...but, in fact, the new 2011 Ford Focus. What on earth are Ford playing at? They are supposed to lead the way in design.

Similarly, Audi seem to be copying Lotus in copying Mitsubishi as I reported a while back.

Or is it me?

I often say things like "Doesn't that woman in Tescos look like such an actress?" or "Doesn't that policeman look like your Aunty Maud?" and I usually get the same response...


No.