Running Amok, Ah!

You'd never catch me running a Mokka.

Lot's of people do - these are people who have given up on any thoughts of enjoying driving.

I may have just mentioned once or thrice how I hate SUVs - but I accept that they are here to stay.

And Vauxhall are trying to make the new version of the Mokka more exciting.  This is called the Vauxhall Vizor:

Note the exciting spelling - which I initially misread as Vauxhall Victor.  It was Ford Ecosport/Ford Escort all over again.  Anyway, the new Mokka is getting that "Vizor" front which is claimed to be inspired by the Vauxhall Firenza: 

Hopefully not one about to be crashed in to by a Mini Rally Car.  Autocar have the story.

They don't say what will be happening with the Opel Mokka - presumably they will need a pretentious corruption of a German word for the front end of that.

This is supposedly going to feature on all Vauxhalls throughout the 2020s - it may actually look good on an Astra or Insignia - and feel truer to the Firenza philosophy but in the meantime, don't Mokka the afflicted.

I Don't Like Pumas

Actually I DO like pumas.

I just don't like Ford Pumas.

Actually I DO like Ford Pumas.

It's just the new ones I don't like:

I also don't like Vauxhall Mokkas and Ford Ecosports and all the other jacked-up cars that sell in their millions to people who don't know about cars or, more importantly, about driving.

 

And the new Puma is an insult to the old one: 

That was a Fiesta-based affordable-ish, sporty-ish car that appealed to those who wanted a bit of fun and didn't have a few kids to ferry about.

 

A bit like The Mustang in America.

 

Or its equivalent over here, the Ford Capri:

Which is why this Autocar story perturbs me.

 

Amko Leenarts, boss of the Ford European Design Centre is quoted as saying, “Who would not want to bring back the Capri as a design?  We’d love it. But it’s got to be in the zeitgeist and has to fit, and work as a plural, not just exist as something for a designer to bring back an old car.”

 

Work as a plural!?

 

Does that mean they want to make more than one of them?

 

Ford tried a couple of times to revive "the zeitgeist" of The Capri, first with the very attractive Probe...

...which is not a phrase you want to be overheard repeating.

 

then with The Puma's bigger brother, The Cougar:

But given what they did to the Puma, Autocar's X6-shaped grotesque guess could be worryingly close to the truth:



It's enough to make you very angry:

A Posher Version of Poundland

In Poundland, everything costs a quid.

So, presumably in Grandland, everything costs £1000.

Which is excellent value for a large SUV.

And mustn't be confused with Granadaland - which is where ITV used to tell us that we lived if we happened to reside in the North-West of England.

Or Grandstand - which where the BBC used to show us Rallycross on a Saturday afternoon.

Here is the latest press release from Vauxhall.

They don't say so, but it looks like the Zafira is on its way out.

And the Meriva is going to be replaced by the Crossland X.

And the Mokka is going to be replaced by the Mokka X.

They don't say why they are putting kisses after the names.

Maybe it's to help sell the Vauxhall Insignia SE to the dogging community.

Making a Mokka-Ree

When Vauxhall let the British press loose on their new compact SUV thingy, the Mokka, it got absolutely slated for its ride and handling and consequently scored very badly in their reviews.  The name didn't help either, with lots of coffee jokes to go with the coffee-coloured car in the picture.

 

The mistake they had made was to give the journalists some early, European-specced cars designed for European roads - and with bits of sound-proofing missing.

 

Anyway, they seem to have sorted things out by letting the British press loose on much-improved versions specifically aimed at British roads.  The press were impressed enough - for example Top Gear reported thus.

 

A report in AutoGuide today, could reverse things, though.  It refers to a recall on the American-badged version of this car, the Buick Encore - the one in their picture is also coffee-coloured but that's probably coincidence.  The problem with the Encore is that the steering wheel might come off!

 

 This could be amusing if you are Lauel & Hardy or useful if you are a racing driver and have a wheel like the one here on the right.  But, if you are taking the kids to school, it may be a tiny bit dangerous.  (Incidentally, if you take a closer look at this particular racing wheel, it isn't quite what it seems)

 

There is no mention of whether or not the Mokka has the same issue as its American cousin but if it does, it'll be wheely bad.  No coffee jokes here.